Yeah I may have just ordered that milkshake knowing it would act as a laxative.
my two year plan.
I always get really worked up about auditions. Every year. I stress unnecessarily. Have to stop eating, practice uncontrollably, eat a lot of tums…. two years ago I postponed my vacation with my boyfriendofthetime so i could audition for grease. I made him wait a whole day, which he thought was probably going to kill him, so i could go to the audition on Monday night.
Audition results came later that week. I checked my email on my phone - on the beach - to find out that I had made it as a Pink Lady. my biggest role yet - but still not what i wanted.
Two weeks later, he dumps me. Breaking off our five-year relationship.
Last year, i didn’t give two shits about the auditions. There was only one role maybe, and I knew who would get it, so i wasn’t bothering.
But this year feels the same. I’m nervous. I CARE. I want this.
But we leave for the beach the weekend before the auditions. I’ll miss them. I had to schedule a personal interview a week in advance.
It’s the first time i’ll be at the beach, since I was there with Jay. I’ll check my email on the beach, finding out my audition results, on the beach. Probably not be happy with them. Have to explain them to my family, who all knows that i’ll be waiting on them. I’ll have to explain that I’m “Cowgirl #3”, with one line - “Yee-haw!” typical. I just want it to be different this time.
But it is.
I’ve got someone who cares. Who supports me whatever #Cowgirl i am this year. And I know that two weeks after the beach - I know that we’ll still be together. I know that two years from know, two decades…. we’ll still be together.
A friend of mine wrote about her two year plan, and how it turned out completely opposite of what she thought. So did my vacation to St. Simon’s Island, with Jay. Where we got asked if we were Honeymooning. oh, if only those people had known.
I get upset when people leave me out of things. I take it personally. I worry. I do.
But most of the time, I’d honestly rather be alone. Which is what people give me, but then I get upset about it.
What the fuck do I really want? What do I need? (besides stronger meds)
Why is family so hard to handle?
I’m just far too fucked up for anyone to have to deal with.
I have two things i could definitely write about, but the one i’m going to say popped into my mind but made me really stop and think.
We have something completely awesome.
I’ve been house-sitting this week. I’ve been staying here. Nick’s been staying at the apartment.
I feel very much like we’re just DATING this week. Not cohabitants, just… dating! like i’m at my house and he’s at his…. like we’re in the stage before living together.
We’re a little different, becuase we work together. We get to talk throughout the whole day, through chat, email, and phone. We have an awesome set-up right now. it may not always be that way, but for now we take advantage while we can.
But at the end of the day, we go to two separate places, not to the same one.
I love being over here, and he’s been working at night, so it’s been good. But it’s hard to realize that I spent 5 years in a relationship like this - with separate lives - and that was fine. But now, i ACHE to just cuddle up in bed with him. And yeah, i enjoyed that with my last relationship(s) too… but i feel like part of me is missing away from him.
It’s just nice to realize that we’ve got something real.
It’s been a good week. I’ve had fun. I hope he has had fun. Of COURSE, away time can be good! But I’m just so, so ready to get back to my apartment.
Even if i have to leave the pool, a/c, cable, internet, and all the puppies…. I’d rather have nothing, and be with him, than have everything and be alone.
Used to, when I couldn’t sleep, I’d do Cinderella choreography in my head. I’d start from Entrance to the Ball and fall asleep long before the pas de deux.
But now whenever I think about ballet, I cry. How am I supposed to distract myself? Am I supposed to cry myself to sleep? It might work….
Missy Higgins “Nightminds”. Thank you.
Watching The Vow makes one really think What her man would do in this situation. I think he’d stick around. I hope.
It hurts to see my parents hurt. It hurts to see them scared. Uncertain. I want to fix things for my mom. She’s a good woman. And she’s right, there are lots of women she works with who will be hurting much worse than she. It doesn’t make it suck less though. I want to help. I’m trying to be supportive but every time she starts to cry about it, I start to tear up too. It hurts. Not Just the ones who lost their jobs, but their families. Their friends. Their pets. Everything changes now. I want to fix it but I don’t know where to start.
My mom’s always been the one to take care of me. I don’t think I quite know how to take care of her.